Supreme court issues new trading cards

(Washington) In an effort to spit-shine its national image and gain broader acceptance among today's pop-culture youth, the Supreme Court Friday unveiled designs for a set of "Justice Trading Cards" slated to hit department stores later this month.

"For a long time, the Supreme Court has been the red-headed step child of the other three federal branches." said Chief Justice William Rehnquist "We've always been given a seat at the table, but the other kids always pick on us and usually call us names when the teacher isn't looking. But all of that changes with the issuance of these new cards. Today we're finally the cool kids on the block! Finally!!!"

The cards mark the end of a decade long attempt by the Supreme court to polish its image through more conventional means.

"We all remember the short-lived 'Scratch 'n' Sniff Constituition' campaign of 1994." said Washington Journal reporter Wally Blake who has been covering the Supreme Court beat for most of his career. "Everyone thought it was going to succeed, but in retrospect the court was way out of its league. With these new baseball cards, they've really hit a a homerun. My goodness, I think I just made a pun there!"

Not everyone is as excited about the cards as much of the Washington beltway seems to be. Hundreds of protestors and pre-transformation Supreme Court supporters were out in force this morning, some holding up signs saying "What the heck happened to the frail and out of touch Supreme Court I used to know?" and "Why have you gone and changed yourself just to please us?" While most of the protestors were peaceful in their dissent, a few riled citizens had to be restrained by police who were wearing minature pins of the trading cards on their lapels.

According to Beckett Trading Card Magazine, the "William Rehnquist rookie memories" trading card will be among the most valuable cards in the set. Other notables include the Ruth Bader Ginsberg "Most Valuable Justice" card, along with the very rare Antonin Scalia gold foil autographed edition, which actually includes a vacuum-sealed lock of the justice's hair.

Although the cards will not be available at major outlets for a number of weeks, more anxious shoppers will be able to pre-order their own pack over the Supreme Court's website by Monday.

Man dips mexi-fry in catsup, bites, then dips again

Experts agree man was likely unaware of "no double-dip" rule.

(Madison, Wisc.) - What started off as a regular lunchtime meal for one Wisconsin man, ended in a day full of confusion and finger-pointing for patrons of a local Dick's restaurant. Joseph Collab, 32, was taken into managerial custody after nearby customers accused the Madison native of "double-dipping" his "mexi-fry" into a puddle of catsup caked onto his placemat. Collab initially stated that he was unaware of the social norm of dipping a food object only once into a glob of catsup until the entire product has been consumed.

"Joe and I were sharing that puddle of catsup" said Trixie Hendricks, Collab's fiance of 8 years, "So you can imagine how absolutely appalled I was when I saw him place the mexi-fry in for a second time." Hendricks stated that this would not permanently damage their relationship, but said later to a close friend that she had no idea Collab "was into that."

Restaurant management was hesitant to release details surrounding the event, but one women seated nearby said Collab's action had a negative impact on her 6-year-old-son's behavior. "After he (Collab) double-dipped, my son Charlie tried to pull the same stunt at dinner. I am convinced that his (Charlie's) behavior was directly effected by that evil man's (Collab's) negligence."

An official statement from Collab could not be immediately obtained at press time, but sources close to the family say he is seeking professional help for his behavior. He will likely switch his primary condiment selection to hot mustard since doctor's insist it will keep him from wanting to dip more than once.

Americans eat millions of "mexi-fries" each year, which are minced potato bits baked into small cylinders roughly one inch in length. Despite widespread attempts to limit the activity, 74% of Americans admit to "double-dipping" at least once in the last year, a number the American Mexi-Fry Federation says is well above the world average.

Russians to send first attorney into space

(Moscow) - In an unprecedented act of national pride, the Russian government announced this morning that it plans to be the first nation on Earth to send an attorney into space. Boris Borkafski, a lifelong Russian and Moscow metropolitan area attorney, was selected for the mission after a lengthy nation-wide "attorney search" by the Russian government.

When prompted, Russian officials were hazy on the details of Borkafski's mission, but anonymous sources inside the Kremlin say that it will likely include a landing on the far side of the moon. Such a mission officials say, will "allow Mother Russia to lead the world in the up-in-coming field of celestial real estate and criminal law."

Hailed as a national hero, most Russians now agree that Mr. Borkafski is the perfect candidate for a trip of this nature. "Boris has been in the spotlight for years," said 67-year old shop keeper Yegor Stalhoff. "All Russians remember how outspoken he was in publically criticizing the government back in the 60's. He was especially scathing when it came to his views on the KGB, even heading up a few lawsuits against some of its former members. I can think of no greater patriot for modern Russia than Boris."

In a phone interview, Borkafski expressed his excitement for his trip to the moon. "I still can't believe I won a random lottery to be my country's next Cosmonaut! They've informed me that the ship will be full of caviar and fine ritz crackers for me to eat! This is one huge honor!" said Borkafski.

Borkafski will be accompanied on his voyage by a chimp named Bonzo, who's job it will be to test the effects of the vacuum of space on living organizisms.

Lift-off for Borkafski's and Bonzo's rocket, a revamped nuclear warhead from the Soviet era, is expected to occur this Friday. The public has been asked not to attend the event.

Michael Jackson Announces bid for Presidency

(Los Angeles)- In an event full of great pomp and circumstance, Michael Jackson, the proclaimed "King of Pop", announced his intentions to seek the Presidency of the United States.

Speaking to a crowd of roughly 250 friends and supporters at his now infamous Neverland Ranch, Jackson proclaimed that if elected he would seek to "heal the wounds that have divided our nation for so long" and work to bring about "a utopian-like era of goodwill and free love."

Jackson addressed the gathering for roughly 45 minutes, spending much of that time getting a head start on his "soon to come" critics and those who "feel I am not the right person for the job." He acknowledged the media frenzy his recent court appearances have caused internationally, but did not delve into any details surrounding his case.

The event also brought together an eclectic mix of Hollywood notables, such as Leonardo DeCaprio and Pauly Shore who seemed at least slightly amused at the notion of a Jackson Administration. "I think Michael Jackson has a lot of qualities that appeal to many Americans" said former Californian gubernatorial candidate Gary Coleman, "He has a very nice and recognizable face. He is an extremely talented musician and thus, is a very effective communicator. These qualities are essential in becoming a good head of state." Rock group U2's Bono agreed, "Out of any person alive today, Michael Jackson represents the American spirit, even if its the kind of spirit that truly creeps people out every once and awhile."

News of Jackson's candidacy shot like a telegraph across the nation's fruited plains and even worked its way into a cabinet meeting held by President Bush later that morning. "Mike Jackson - or Mikey as I like to call him - has taken a bold move. This election is about tough issues and those of us in the political beltway would be wise not to misunderestimate him." Bush also appeared to be impressed by Jackson's political platform. "He's actually got a great economic stimulus package" said Bush, referring to Jackson's proposal to redistribute his platinum records throughout parts of Iraq and Afghanistan in hopes of jump-starting the American economy. "He does however want to use Monopoly money to pay down the national debt, but that's something I'm willing to look past for the time being."

In a well-choreographed appearance this morning by likely Democratic nominee John Kerry, the Massachusettes senator said a Kerry/Jackson presidential ticket was a very real possibility, should Jackson be willing to give up his bid for President.

Jackson's publicist immediately issued a press release refusing Kerry's offer. "We appreciate Senator Kerry's offer, but we're running an actual grown-up campaign over here. He can go back to playing Boys State and we'll be on our merry way."