Study finds link between obesity and lard consumption

(Los Angeles, CA) Researchers announced today there is a positive correllation between the amount of lard a person comsumes per day and the amount of body fat a person will aquire by age 50.

"For years, people have known such foods as cake, ice cream and hamburgers were likely to make you fat over time," said Stan Bunning, the project's head researcher, "Now you can add lard to that list."

The study observed two test groups for 12 months: one which ate 18 ounces of lard per day, and one that did not. The results showed an average weight gain of 36.4 pounds per month in the lard-eating group, compared to 0.5 pounds in the non-group.

"Clearly this is a significant finding," Bunning noted in an afternoon press conference, "It now gives us the basis to make stronger recommendations concerning proper lard consumption."

Among new recommendations slated to be released by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) next week, is the notion of not eating lard after 9.p.m. "It's still alright to eat or drink lard during a rigorous workout, but eating it in front of the television after nine o'clock poses a significant health risk," the FDA said on its website. "Furthermore, mixing infant formula with lard may cause negative health effects in children, such as obesity, much earlier in life than might otherwise occur."

Not everyone is convinced.

Dan Jameison, President of the Lard Information Council, says the new study is not bulletproof and he cautioned the public to take the findings with a grain of salt. "We've known for years that drinking excessive amounts of water can cause 'hydro-intoxication', essentially posioning the human body. But is bottled water still available on the grocery store shelf? Of course."

Jameison says the new report tries to frighten the public into buying so-called "healthy foods" such as vegatables, fruits, and whole grained items.

"The health food lobbyists are going to have a hayday with this," says Jameison, "Pretty soon the price of lard will skyrocket, forcing it off the market altogether." Jameison says he worries this trend may boil over into other markets as well.

"What's next? Are they going to make us stop drinking kerosene too?", Jameison said.