Martha Stewart receives death penalty

(New York, NY) In a much anticipated announcement Friday, a federal judge ruled that Martha Stewart, former CEO of Martha Stewart Living Onmimedia Inc., will face the death penalty for allegedly lying to authorities about trading 4,000 shares of stock in a friend's company.

"I am completely satisfied with the decision that has been handed down," said Stewart before a flurry of media reporters waiting outside the federal court. "I feel as if justice has been served."

For the last two years, Stewart has been dogged by the legal issues surrounding her case. In conversations with family and friends Stewart has insisted that her offence was simply "a little white lie".

But under a provision of the Patriot Act, passed by Congress just two years ago, "little white lies" fall under the category of "national security threat" and must be dealt with in the harshest of fashions.

"Just a few years ago, lying to the authorities was no big deal," said U.S. District Judge Miriam Cedarbaum, who presided over Stewart's case. "I can think of numerous occasions in which good friends of mine mislead authorities on a day-to-day basis. It was almost a hobby for them. Unfortunately, due to the war against terrorism, the government must be more serious when dealing with cases such as this."

Upon the announcement of Stewart's sentence, the stock price of her company skyrocketed and officials said sales in kitchen items saw reasonable returns.

In a statement released by Stewart's publicists, it was learned that Stewart has chosen to be put to death via slow roasting, a process which authorities say could take weeks.

"Martha will be dipped in a special meat sauce, rolled into a thick sheet of pasta and baked at 540 degrees until well done. She will be laid to rest upon freshly folded napkins and surrounded by her collection of sterling silverware which she recently purchased at an antique flea market," read the statement. "Martha would have it no other way. She thinks its a good thing."

Mississippi high school offers "Drunk Driving" safety course

(Jackson Flats, Miss.) One Mississippi high school is taking a unique approach to tackling the issue of underage drunk driving. Rutherford B. Hayes high school in Jackson Flats has announced it will offer a new class this fall entitled "Drunk Driving and You: A look a drinking safely behind the wheel". The class will examine common weaknesses that most drunk youth display while driving, and work to correct these problems through detailed textbook assignments and drunk driving practice with a certified instructor.

"Since 2002, we've seen a large spike in the number of alcohol-related traffic accidents throughout the state." says Mississippi Superintendent of Public Instruction Blake Peterson, "Our research has shown that these kids are terrible drivers, even while sober. Classes like the one being offered at Rutherford B. Hayes, actually help drunk teenagers improve their hand-eye coordination and reaction times while under the influence of alcohol."

The new class has received widespread praise among the state's educators who say such a program has been long overdue. Judy Andrews, mother of two teenage sons agrees. "My only hope is we'll be able to show these kids that its okay to admit that you have a problem. You just have to say to yourself 'I'm just a bad driver. I need help'."

The class will offer students a wide range of driving experiences with various types of alcohol beverages; from soft, fruit-flavored social drinks to harder 'vomit-inducing' liquors. The experience will be reinforced by 3 hours of classroom lecture and textbook study per week, followed by a comprehensive exam.

"If we can help one kid learn the importance of driving drunk responsibly," says Peterson "then the taxpayer money we spent to put this class together will have been well worth it."