Area 'X-Boxer' issues warning to would-be rivals

(Des Moines, Iowa) Area X-Boxer Jaime Knowles, sent a clear message to would-be competitors Thursday evening when he announced that he could "whip anybody" who attempted to challenge him in a contest of "ESPN NFL PrimeTime 2002", a video game originally released for Microsoft's X-Box in 2001.

The nineteen-year-old Des Moines native makes no bones about his abilities.

"I'm pretty much the best player I know of," said Knowes from living floor of his grandmother's house.

"One of my cousins is like the best player at his school and I beat him everyday. And also my friend {6-year-old neighbor Zack Baker}, says I'm probably among the top 5%-6% in the world, but he takes Riddlin though."

Knowles admitted that he hasn't always been this good, but when a friend of his offered to give him an XBox in exchange for some inside information regarding the dating status of Knowle's ex-girlfriend, Knowles took him up on the offer.

Since then, his playing abilities have improved expodentially.

Knowles is so good, in fact, he has beaten "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets" a total of 12 times on "Wizard Mode". Leaving many to wonder whether a worthy challenger will ever come his way.

"I seriously doubt it," Knowles says with a smirk "I'll probably grow up to make my own games. I've drawn a few pictures of some cool characters for an action game I plan to make someday."

The future indeed seems bright for this unstoppable young man. "Maybe when I finish high school I can get to work on some of those ideas."

Bush to Djibouti: Make name easier to pronounce

President contends 'easier phonics promote freedom and stability'

(Washington, D.C.) In a brief Rose Garden speech Monday morning, President Bush called upon the nation of Djibouti to improve the spelling and pronounciation of its name in order to 'secure liberty' throughout Eastern Africa.

"Good versus evil rides in the balance. When a sector of people have trouble spelling and saying the name of a sovereign nation, it creates a culture of fear and seclusion," said the President, referring to Djibouti's ridgid class system.

In his speech, the President suggested two alternate spellings for the small African country incuding 'Jabootee' and 'East Africa', both of which, the President suggests "have not been used yet" by other countries.

The speech came on the heels of a recent congressional report concerning the nation of Azerbaijan and its inherently 'sloppy phonetical construction'. The Justice department has said it would be willing to send a delegation of linguists and scholars to help correct the problem, should the country request it.

There is no word yet whether either country will comply, but the President said Monday he remains steadfast in his efforts to rid the world of "poor spelling which leads to terror and confusion".

He also expressed his disappointment in congress's failure to ratify a new constitutional amendment which would rename Hawaii and transform Oklahoma into "Northern Texas".

Jack in the Box sponsors commercial-free 'Friends' marathon

(Hollywood, California) In an effort to boost ratings before the onslaught of new televisions shows hit the airwaves this fall, NBC, and burger giant Jack in the Box, have partnered together to provide a 172 hour, 10-season, 'Friends' series marathon. All without a single commericial.

How will they do it? "Simple," Don Viberman director of NBC Promotions says, "we plan on using fairly subtle 'Jack in the Box' logo placement throughout each of the episodes."

Just how subtle is still up for debate. "We plan on having a few shows where the entire cast has a 'Jack in the Box' logo airbrushed onto their t-shirt, or paste the famous Jack in the Box head over lesser-loved cast members like Phoebe."

However they decide to do it, the marathon will mark an important stepping stone in television advertisement.

"I think people who love 'Friends' will come to love 'Jack in the Box' as well." says Jack Horner, Jack in the Box CEO, "They'll be able to relive all of their favorite 'Friends' moments, while also associating them with our outstanding bugers. Its a match made in heaven."

News of the event has already boosted sales for both companies, and has fueled rumors that NBC will attempt a similar marketing sceme with 'The Hair Club for Men' during this season's 'Apprentice'.

So far, NBC, Hair Club and Donald Trump deny the claims.