"Power Couch" offers mobility to millions

(New York, NY) For decades, millions of Americans who have spent their waking moments on the living room couch have been forced to limit their travels to the path between the television and the refridgerator. But thanks to new developments in mobility technology, the horizons for these individuals may now be limitless.

One new product set to hit shelves and factory showrooms this fall is the "Power Couch", a new product from SkooterShack. Powered by a V-4, dual cam shaft, turbo-bio-diesel power cell that offers 250 horsepower and 27 miles to the gallon, the Power Couch is expected to fast become one of the toughest and best equipped mobility units on the market.

SkooterShack President Wes Gravehill has been pleased with the early test results of his new product as well as recent developments in the science of moving large people. "I'm a big man myself and I always hated using those pitiful little skooters at the supermarket. I decided it was time to make a product that would be easy to use and operate, as well as economical."

Nancy Sporksberg, a single, 34-year-old, from Kentucky recently made local healines by traveling on a prototype Powercouch from her hometown in Paduca, Kentucky to Rockafeller Plaza in New York City. The trip took only two days and Sporksberg claims the Power Counch has given her a new found lease on life. "Before, life was dull and uninteresting. I was actually quite embarrassed about the lifestyle I had adopted. I would sit and watch TV on the couch and would get up only to rummage through the fridge or feed my goldfish. But with the Power Couch I can travel anywhere in the continental United States, without having to leave my comfy sofa."

While most states allow for electric powerchairs and skooters to operate on the nation's roadways, some state legislatures are hesitant to expand such prividges to vehicles like the Power Couch.

"The Powercouch has been known to be a real hazard on the freeway," says New York Travel Commisioner Rich Franangello. "Most couches are extremely wide, even wider than a typical lane of traffic, making them dangerous to other motorists. Some studies have also shown that Power Couch is vulnerable when making tight manuevers and it also seems to be unable to protect passengers involved in head-on collisions." Franangello says most accidents on the Power Couch are difficult to avoid since drivers can easily succumb to sleep while behind the controls.

Despite such criticisms, Wes Gravehill says SkooterShack will move forward with production of the Power Couch and is excited about the possibilities this product brings to millions of immobile Americans. "We are constantly looking for ways to improve the system," says Gravehill. "Future designs call for built-in mocha machines and metalic pinchers to keep people awake at the wheel. We're also looking into the possibility of implementing seatbelts on all of our Power Couch models."

The SkooterShack corporation first reached the national spotlight in 1987 when it released its now infamous Power Privy, a fiberglass "out-house" on wheels. The company marketed its mobile restroom as ideal for "People on the Go: Literally and literally!!!" The company's stock crashed soon thereafter.

Bush adopts Department of Neverland Security

(Washington, D.C.) At a press conference this morning in the East Room of the White House, President Bush signed a bill creating a new cabinet-level department focused on fighting terror beyond the United States. The Department of Neverland Security, as H.R. 20045 officially names the new agency, will be charged with uniting intelligence sources throughout the isle of Neverland.

"Today we renew our effort to keep an important homeland secure," said President George W. Bush at the event "In recent months, Neverland has become a target for Al-Queda. From Captain Hook's harbor, to the old hollowed out tree of the 'lost boys', this eternal bastion for peace and freedom is under a serious threat."

Peter 'Bucky' Pan-Humphrey, known to millions of earth children and Neverland natives as 'Peter Pan', was on hand to witness the signing of the bill, which he says will go far in protecting his home island. "I am greatful for President Bush's dedication to fighting terrorism in all corners of the universe, even in Neverland. Tinkerbell is going to flip-out when she hears about this!"

Suzanne 'Tinkerbell' Flanders, a 6-inch pixie who has been mute since her formation in a cabbage patch 56 years ago, was unable to attend the bill signing. Her spokespixieman's website reported earlier in the day that she had been having some complications with her dust glands and was awaiting surgery.

The announcement of the department has come as welcome news for many frequenters of Neverland, who have been hit hard with the news that Captain Hook has alledged ties to Al-Queda. Although Hook denies the claims, sources close to the CIA have revealed possible conntections to Hook and the funneling of peppermint candies and monopoly money to terrorist cells throughout the region.

In other news, pop superstar Michael Jackson released an initial statemen offering his support for the creation of the new department, under the assumption that the department was intended to protect his now infamous 'Neverland Ranch'. Later in the day, Jackson's publicist released a statement recending the earlier press release.