Reports of rampant abuse surface on S.S. Enterprise

(Deep Space) The Intergalactic community was rocked today by new reports of rampant crew abuse aboard the S.S. Enterprise Starship. "The reports we are getting are absolutely stunning. There appears to be a very real presence of both verbal and physical abuse occuring in the far reaches of deep space," a government official told reporters Friday, "We have reason to believe that Captain James T. Kirk is playing a role in these incidents."

While rumors of a friendly leg-kick or fist-punch among crewmates have been circulating for months, the new reports shed light upon an apparent 'culture of fear' that has been looming over the crew for nearly two decades.

"Ever since our reality TV show back in the 1960's was cancelled and the movie offers ended, Capatin Kirk just sort of snapped," said Lt. Cmdr. Montgomery "Scotty" Scott, head manager of the Enterprise's Power and Teleport Subunit. "The last 15 to 20 years have been tough on the crew."

Reports of "crowbar beatings to the shins" and bizarre "hazing rituals" initiated by Kirk, are beginning to paint a picture of a man collegues say is beginning to show signs of unravelling.

One crewmate recalls an instance in which Kirk used a fazer to "burn the arm" of a young cadet. "At first, {Kirk} was using the instrument to diagnose a stress fracture in the young man's arm," said Lt. Cmdr. Spock Vorack, "{but} he kept doing this for the next thirty minutes, until the boy's arm had turned a deep shade of red. It was obvious that he just meant to hurt the kid."

Kirk's spokesman was quick to point out that many of these claims are unsubstantiated and that there have been other crewmembers slapped with abuse allagations in the past. The spokeman was referring to the 1975 Lt. Cmdr. Leonard H. "Bones" McCoy M.D. scandal in which the doctor allegedly allowed a patient choke to death on a tongue depressor. McCoy has long denied the claims, but it marked the first instance in which questions of the cew's character began surfacing.

"I think Captain Kirk has stepped way out of line in terms of how he's treated the crew," said nurse Christine Chapel in a recent email. "I can't even talk to people on the phone right now because the Captain has ordered the phone to be ripped out of the walls! It's pure madness aboard this ship!"

Officials say a complete investigation into Kirk's recent conduct will be completed over the next few weeks. But many are hesitant to speculate into what possible punishments may by handed down, in the event Kirk is found guilty.

An intitial Intergalactic inquiry hearing is scheduled for later this afternoon.

Local man spends weekend in nutshell.

Tells authorities "Not what it's cracked up to be."

(Clinton, Ark.) One man's experimental weekend in a large walnut helps bring the scientific community one step closer toward understanding what life might be like in a nutshell.

"My girlfriend is always telling people what her life is like 'in a nutshell'," says John Grolier, 32, who spent this last weekend inside of a 53" hollowed-out walnut. "I figured that by living inside of a nut myself, I could help make our relationship even stronger, and allow me to better understand what she was going through."

Grolier says he packed lightly for his endeavor, bringing along a pair of boxers, a toothbrush, as well as a deck of playing cards to help pass the time. "The experience itself was quite serene. I'm actually planning a monthlong stay in November."

In retrospect, Grolier says he would have "gone to the bathroom" before entering the shell. But was able to divert a crisis by using the facilities found within the shell. The prefabricated Duro-Nut, which retails for $195 at Sears, comes with a minature restroom and a solar-heated shower head. "Some of the more expensive models come with a DVD player and flatscreen television," said Grolier "but unfortunately, my rent check was due so I had to settle for the basics."

Jennifer Laney, Grolier's girlfriend of 5 months, told reporters she was extremely impressed with her partner's efforts to better understand what her life is like. "I know he could have spent his money on a nice-dinner or a weekend get-away just for the two of us, but I was very pleased to hear that he had taken the initiative in getting to know my life 'in a nutshell'. I'm very lucky to know him."

Spielberg to direct "Titanic 2: Jack's Revenge"

(Hollywood, CA) Lights flash on. Cameras zip into focus. Last-minute-makeup artists flutter nervously about. The anticipation is thick enough to taste. Actors take their positions. This is where the magic happens. The director leans forward in his canvas chair, drawing inspiration from those around him. Suddenly, with shoulders tilted back, face pointed at a 45 degree angle toward the ceiling, and a voice like a locomotive, he yells that famous word that makes it all come together: "ACTION!!!"

Steven Spielberg, multi-Oscar winning director and producer, is no stranger to the word "action", nor is he afraid of dabbling in the cinematic magic that has made his name a household synonym for "brilliance". At 58, Spielberg has also never been afraid to blaze new trails with of the movie projects he undertakes. Movies like "E.T.", "Jurassic Park" and "Men in Black" show clearly Spielberg's knack for good storytelling. Even offerings such as "The Plucky Duck Show" (1992) and "Roller Coaster Rabbit" (1990) have a special "Spielberg flare" that few can resist.

But his most recent project, "Titanic 2: Jack's Revenge", has been regarded by some to be his most ambitious endeavour to date. Scheduled to hit mainstream theatres by March 2006, "T2" (as it is being called by those in the know) will likely create a paradigm shift in the public's belief of how the titanic sank and what really happens to dead people when they come back to life.

"Without giving away too much of the plot," said Spielberg while sipping champagne and finishing off a top serloin steak during a recent interview at his luxurious Hollywood residence, "Jack, the kid who starred in the first Titanic movie and died a tragic death a sea, comes back to life in search of Rose, his long lost lover, who is now 112 years old. At first, they hit it off just swimmingly trying to make up for lost time. Rose assumes Jack has come back to restart their relationship where it left off in 1912. What Jack is really there for is to get back at Rose for letting him drown at sea those many years ago. He starts off by doing trivial things, like putting a bucket of water over the doorway of Rose's apartment. All of these encounters end with belly-laughs as Rose foils the would-be pranskter and causes him to fall into his own traps."

According to Spielberg, the plot becomes more serious when Rose realizes that Jack is actually a disgusting sea-creature set on killing her. Thus begins a video montage of wild car chases and sword fights that pit the two lovers against one another in a battle of strength and wit.

"Despite the wild scences early on, the story eventually returns to one of love and partnership." says Spielberg, "It happens when the couple realize that they are still made for each other."

Both characters soon realize that the world will never accept them for who they are as individuals: a 112 year old woman; and a 112 year old man-turned-sea-creature covered in barnacles. So they decide to team up and work toward better undestanding among all sea-creatures and land dwelling mammals.

"Sometimes the love you make is equal to the love you take," Spielberg concludes, "and if you get anything out of this movie, I hope you'll come to recognize this universal truth. If a sea-creature and an elderly woman can learn it, why can't we all?"

Movie-goers nation-wide can expect to see a trailer for the new movie in theatres later this summer.

Legoland dog attack kills 4, maims countless others

(Legoland) Tuesday morning brought sadness and shock, as local residents reeled from Legoland's second dog attack in as many days. At 6:04 a.m. a large German Shepard beast-dog entered the bedroom and began crushing buildings with its massive paws, while slurping up unsuspecting citizens with its diabolical tongue.

"It was indescribable," said local resident Phillip Sqaurepants who had just finished reassembling his mother-in-law's head and hindparts. "I was out watering my fake plastic plants, with my fake plastic water pitcher, when all of a sudden this huge monstrous beast peeked over the roof tops. I thought for certain I was a gonner."

Although many resident's found safe haven inside of their elaborately constructed plastic brick condominiums, not all Legoland metropolitan locals were quite so lucky.

Linus Yellowface, age 65, had just finished exploring an ancient Incan shrine which was haunted by a "glow-in-the-dark" ghost, when he was suddenly eaten alive by the beast-dog. The rest of the Yellowface family, who had accompanied Linus on his expedition, were immediately rushed to safety by a Star Wars Galactic Cruiser which happened to be fighting Dark Vader on a nearby bookshelf. "I am so grateful for those men on the cruiser," said a distraught Hilary Yellowface "they managed to fend off the beast-dog with their light sabers as we boarded their spacecraft."

Legoland President Marko Fakesmile, called today's and yesterday's attacks a "terrible set of days in our nation's peaceful history." The president vowed to fund the construction a gigantic Pirate Ship that would patrol the carpet just outside the bedroom where the beast-dog has been known to frequent. "We will stop this vicious beast with every weapon in our arsenal. I call upon all Legoans to help fight this threat by gathering their unused blocks and donating it towards the Pirate Ship effort."

President Fakesmile is also said to be in negotiations with Johnny Houston, age 9, who is apparently the sole owner of the beast-dog. The administration is drafting a treaty which would require the bedroom door to be closed from 9am-5pm on weekdays, noon-6pm on weekends, and all-day Sunday.

This, at the very least, officials say, will create a sense of predictability in the beast-dogs visits and may keep it out of the bedroom altogether.

Advisors close to the President say an agreement may likely include opening up trade routes with Jenny Houston, age 6, and her Barbie Doll colony down the hallway.