'Iranian Chris Farley' makes film debut

(Hollywood, CA) Last summer, Akbar Siamak wasn't sure where his next meal was coming from. He had grown up poor and misplaced on the hard streets of Tehran, Iran and few people thought he would ever be able to make ends meet, let alone become a talented performer. But on both accounts he has proven even his most ardent critics wrong.

In a drafty apartment, somewhere in Hollywood, Siamak is found sitting on his linoleum floor rehearsing lines for what will be his first big role in a Hollywood film. He is playing the role of Taxi Cab Driver Number 3, in the upcoming movie "Collateral Damage II: Lost in New York", a sci-fi thriller with a romantic edge. His part is a simple one: screaming. But as Siamak knows all too well, there are no small parts, but there are big actors and Siamak is one of them.

Discovered drunk and spouting out random movie quotes three months ago outside of a Hollywood night club, Siamak may well be what insiders call "the next Chris Farley". His large physical presence and comedic gestures resemble those of the late actor, who starred on television's 'Saturday Night Live' and appeared in such movies as 'Tommy Boy', 'Black Sheep', and 'Almost Heroes'.

No stranger to the classical works of Farley, Siamak has been known to recite famous passages from Farley's works.

"مرد چاق در كت ناچيزى, مرد در كت ناچيزى چاق!" sings Siamak outside of his apartment window, garnering laughs from a hotdog vendor four-floors below. To the Persian-trained ear it means "Fat guy in a little coat, fat guy in a little coat!"

"I've always loved American comedy," says the up and coming Iranian star, "It's all about gags and slap-stick, which is right up my alley."

Although Siamak has not received any formal training in theatre or drama, he believes his gritty, down-to-earth performances will strike a chord with audiences.

"I don't know, I guess you could say I'm at least one in a hundred," says Siamak, "If I keep this up there's a chance I could get a job working for some network like PAX, Warner Brothers or QVC."

Yellow snowcone sales experience record lows

(Plaines, Georgia) With summer heat raging throughout much of the Southern U.S., sales of cold beverages and temperature reducing food items are on the seasonal upswing. But despite higher demand for these products, sales for yellow snowcones are at an all-time low.

"Some people have a psychological problem with eating yellow snow," says Lance Graham, Georgia Chief Commissioner of Health and Safety. "They have memories of their mother yelling at them about not eating it, but they do it anyway, and then they see a dog or something create a new batch of 'sunny delight' and they suddenly realize the folly of their ways. That sort of emotional trauma stays with a person far longer than most people realize."

According to Commissioner Graham, Georgia hasn't seen a severe snow storm in decades, making the hypothetical situation mentioned above next to impossible in most Southern states. However, studies indicate that decedents of Northern way-faring folk seem to have a genetic taste aversion toward yellow snow, but others insist most native Georgians "can imagine what it would be like".

While public criticism for yellow snow appears to be feverish, it hasn't prevented leaders in the Snow Cone industry from attempting to separate reality from what they see as an unfair interpretation of a longtime product.

"What a lot of people think is gross, 'yellow' snow, is actually an amalgamation of flavors ranging from citrus based compounds to the very trendy and hip banana varieties," says Don Vigil of the Snow Cone institute in Flint, Michigan, "We're trying to get the word out about these flavors. This isn't your father's or grandfather's yellow snow!"

So far, the American public isn't buying it. Child vendors everywhere have pulled the colors from their snowcone stands saying the stigma is bad for business.

"People just don't like yellow snow," says Johnny Grath, age 8, "It's gross."

Ali rocked in comeback bout

(Berkeley, California) A small cluster of dedicated fans stood outside the Berkeley Convention Center Sunday, hoping to catch a glimpse of the man known simply as "The Greatest". But instead of making a grand appearance before his adoring fans, Muhammed Ali greeted well-wishers with groans and gaping head wounds while sprawled out upon a stretcher.

The event marked the end of a very dissappointing day for the former champ and the end of a 6-month journey back into the professional boxing ring.

In February, Ali hinted at the possibility of a comeback fight with fellow former heavyweight champion George Foreman. For weeks, the notion was nothing more than a tabloid rumor but was given added weight by reported sightings of the "Great One" working areobically outside his Michigan estate.

In the same month, Foreman reportedly ate an increased number of meals prepared by his personal assistant using the commerical food grill which bears his name. Foreman claimed he was simply trying to "cut out the fat", but boxing fans alluded that he was preparing for a possible bout with Ali.

In May, executives at the Fox Sports Network worked to solidify a fight between the two champs, but Foreman promptly withdrew.

Enter William Hung, international super-star and pop icon, whose pathetic showing on Fox's 'American Idol' landed him a lucrative and controversial record deal.

The deal was salvaged when Hung's booking agent secretly entered into negotiations with Fox, scheduling a special "celebrity cage match" between the two unlikely opponants.

Ali's agent, assuming the bout would be against Foreman, signed off on the event. Ali only became aware Saturday night that he was fighting Hung the next day. According to his handlers, "he was furious".

Ali entered the fight as the strong favorite against the pint-sized 'idol', but was quickly pummelled by a few repetitive jabs by Hung, eirily similar to the flailing arm torrents seen in his music video remake of Ricky Martin's smash hit "She Bangs".

"Obviously, Muhammed Ali is very upset with his performance," said Kylee Flak, Ali's scheduling assistant, "He sincerely believed he was good for one more fight. Unfortunately he underestimated his opponant."

Despite his loss, Flak says Ali harbors no ill will towards Hung. "Muhammed Ali recognizes and respects talent when he sees it... He repsects William as a person and as an artist."