Martha Stewart receives death penalty

(New York, NY) In a much anticipated announcement Friday, a federal judge ruled that Martha Stewart, former CEO of Martha Stewart Living Onmimedia Inc., will face the death penalty for allegedly lying to authorities about trading 4,000 shares of stock in a friend's company.

"I am completely satisfied with the decision that has been handed down," said Stewart before a flurry of media reporters waiting outside the federal court. "I feel as if justice has been served."

For the last two years, Stewart has been dogged by the legal issues surrounding her case. In conversations with family and friends Stewart has insisted that her offence was simply "a little white lie".

But under a provision of the Patriot Act, passed by Congress just two years ago, "little white lies" fall under the category of "national security threat" and must be dealt with in the harshest of fashions.

"Just a few years ago, lying to the authorities was no big deal," said U.S. District Judge Miriam Cedarbaum, who presided over Stewart's case. "I can think of numerous occasions in which good friends of mine mislead authorities on a day-to-day basis. It was almost a hobby for them. Unfortunately, due to the war against terrorism, the government must be more serious when dealing with cases such as this."

Upon the announcement of Stewart's sentence, the stock price of her company skyrocketed and officials said sales in kitchen items saw reasonable returns.

In a statement released by Stewart's publicists, it was learned that Stewart has chosen to be put to death via slow roasting, a process which authorities say could take weeks.

"Martha will be dipped in a special meat sauce, rolled into a thick sheet of pasta and baked at 540 degrees until well done. She will be laid to rest upon freshly folded napkins and surrounded by her collection of sterling silverware which she recently purchased at an antique flea market," read the statement. "Martha would have it no other way. She thinks its a good thing."