Russians to send first attorney into space

(Moscow) - In an unprecedented act of national pride, the Russian government announced this morning that it plans to be the first nation on Earth to send an attorney into space. Boris Borkafski, a lifelong Russian and Moscow metropolitan area attorney, was selected for the mission after a lengthy nation-wide "attorney search" by the Russian government.

When prompted, Russian officials were hazy on the details of Borkafski's mission, but anonymous sources inside the Kremlin say that it will likely include a landing on the far side of the moon. Such a mission officials say, will "allow Mother Russia to lead the world in the up-in-coming field of celestial real estate and criminal law."

Hailed as a national hero, most Russians now agree that Mr. Borkafski is the perfect candidate for a trip of this nature. "Boris has been in the spotlight for years," said 67-year old shop keeper Yegor Stalhoff. "All Russians remember how outspoken he was in publically criticizing the government back in the 60's. He was especially scathing when it came to his views on the KGB, even heading up a few lawsuits against some of its former members. I can think of no greater patriot for modern Russia than Boris."

In a phone interview, Borkafski expressed his excitement for his trip to the moon. "I still can't believe I won a random lottery to be my country's next Cosmonaut! They've informed me that the ship will be full of caviar and fine ritz crackers for me to eat! This is one huge honor!" said Borkafski.

Borkafski will be accompanied on his voyage by a chimp named Bonzo, who's job it will be to test the effects of the vacuum of space on living organizisms.

Lift-off for Borkafski's and Bonzo's rocket, a revamped nuclear warhead from the Soviet era, is expected to occur this Friday. The public has been asked not to attend the event.