Michael Jackson Announces bid for Presidency

(Los Angeles)- In an event full of great pomp and circumstance, Michael Jackson, the proclaimed "King of Pop", announced his intentions to seek the Presidency of the United States.

Speaking to a crowd of roughly 250 friends and supporters at his now infamous Neverland Ranch, Jackson proclaimed that if elected he would seek to "heal the wounds that have divided our nation for so long" and work to bring about "a utopian-like era of goodwill and free love."

Jackson addressed the gathering for roughly 45 minutes, spending much of that time getting a head start on his "soon to come" critics and those who "feel I am not the right person for the job." He acknowledged the media frenzy his recent court appearances have caused internationally, but did not delve into any details surrounding his case.

The event also brought together an eclectic mix of Hollywood notables, such as Leonardo DeCaprio and Pauly Shore who seemed at least slightly amused at the notion of a Jackson Administration. "I think Michael Jackson has a lot of qualities that appeal to many Americans" said former Californian gubernatorial candidate Gary Coleman, "He has a very nice and recognizable face. He is an extremely talented musician and thus, is a very effective communicator. These qualities are essential in becoming a good head of state." Rock group U2's Bono agreed, "Out of any person alive today, Michael Jackson represents the American spirit, even if its the kind of spirit that truly creeps people out every once and awhile."

News of Jackson's candidacy shot like a telegraph across the nation's fruited plains and even worked its way into a cabinet meeting held by President Bush later that morning. "Mike Jackson - or Mikey as I like to call him - has taken a bold move. This election is about tough issues and those of us in the political beltway would be wise not to misunderestimate him." Bush also appeared to be impressed by Jackson's political platform. "He's actually got a great economic stimulus package" said Bush, referring to Jackson's proposal to redistribute his platinum records throughout parts of Iraq and Afghanistan in hopes of jump-starting the American economy. "He does however want to use Monopoly money to pay down the national debt, but that's something I'm willing to look past for the time being."

In a well-choreographed appearance this morning by likely Democratic nominee John Kerry, the Massachusettes senator said a Kerry/Jackson presidential ticket was a very real possibility, should Jackson be willing to give up his bid for President.

Jackson's publicist immediately issued a press release refusing Kerry's offer. "We appreciate Senator Kerry's offer, but we're running an actual grown-up campaign over here. He can go back to playing Boys State and we'll be on our merry way."