Texas longhorn elected town mayor

(Callus, Texas) After months of unrest and scandal, the city of Callus, Texas has sworn in a new mayor and with him comes renewed hopes for stability and cooperation.

On Tuesday, Clint Jacobs , a longhorn steer, was elected mayor and unoffically christened the town's "hero". The occasion marked a uplifting conclusion to a nearly-three month long saga for the tiny town of 500 citizens.

The town's troubles began in February when former mayor John Studard was cited by authorities on several counts of animal cruelty. Subsequent police reports showed Studard had been housing up to 100 head of cattle in his backyard, in an area not much larger than a dual car garage. The Callus City Council, bowing to pressure from the citizen watchdog "CowPeople", immediately called for Studard's resignation.

"John was running a cow mill," says Sheriff's Deputy Trace Harvey, "He was using milk for black market profits and earned about $10,000 a month from milk sales alone."

While running his bogus business, Studard kept the cows in terrible condition, often neglecting to feed them for weeks at a time.

On February 26, city firefighters were called to a house fire on Orchard Street. It was John Studard's house. Little did anyone know that Clint Jacobs, the town's next mayor, was among the 100 bovines imprisioned in Studard's backyard, trying to escape the fire.

"We were losing about 10 cows a minute to the heat and smoke," Jacobs said Wednesday from his new office on Main Street. "I remember thinking 'we may never make it out of this mess'."

The fire was so severe, it jumped over to Jack Simpson's house next door and trapped his family inside.

"We were screaming and pretty much convinced that we were done for," Simpson said, "But that's when Clint {Jacobs} came trotting through our back door."

Jacobs, who had lead the surviving members from the herd to safety through a hole in Studard's backyard fence, raced over to Simpson's house as soon as he spotted the danger.

"We just jumped on his back and {Jacobs} took us outside where the fire fighters were waiting," Simpson said, "They were so amazed. They thought Clint was just another stupid cow."

But Jacobs quickly proved he was not just another "stupid cow". He was a cow with a mission.

Soon after the fire, Jacobs testified in Studard's trial, which resulted in Studard's March 2nd sentance of six-months in the county jail, two-years probation, and a $5,000 fine.

"I felt bad for John and his family. His kids thought their dad was a regular milkman-mayor, who was on the up and up," said Jacobs Wendesday, "But sadly, that wasn't the case."

With the old mayor gone, the town looked for a new executive. Jacob's name was the first and only nomination placed on the ballot for the special election held on Tuesday.

Jacob's was elected mayor with a record 89% percent of the vote.

"Clint's just a real class-act," said Nancy Baker, who owns the only thrift store in town, "A lot of people would have given up, but he persevered."

She's not the only one who's impressed with the new mayor.

"Mayor Jacobs may be a cow, but so far he's an outstanding mayor," said City Clerk Yvonne Marshall, "He's terrible at parlimentary procedure, but he understands city code as well as anyone."

She said that in time, she expects the new mayor to fully hit his stride. "No pun intended with the whole running cow analogy," added Marshall.

Jacobs on Wednesday seemed reflective and ready to tackle the challenges his new position will bring.

"I'm just lucky to be here. I'm ready to work for the people of Callus," said Jacobs.

Study finds link between obesity and lard consumption

(Los Angeles, CA) Researchers announced today there is a positive correllation between the amount of lard a person comsumes per day and the amount of body fat a person will aquire by age 50.

"For years, people have known such foods as cake, ice cream and hamburgers were likely to make you fat over time," said Stan Bunning, the project's head researcher, "Now you can add lard to that list."

The study observed two test groups for 12 months: one which ate 18 ounces of lard per day, and one that did not. The results showed an average weight gain of 36.4 pounds per month in the lard-eating group, compared to 0.5 pounds in the non-group.

"Clearly this is a significant finding," Bunning noted in an afternoon press conference, "It now gives us the basis to make stronger recommendations concerning proper lard consumption."

Among new recommendations slated to be released by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) next week, is the notion of not eating lard after 9.p.m. "It's still alright to eat or drink lard during a rigorous workout, but eating it in front of the television after nine o'clock poses a significant health risk," the FDA said on its website. "Furthermore, mixing infant formula with lard may cause negative health effects in children, such as obesity, much earlier in life than might otherwise occur."

Not everyone is convinced.

Dan Jameison, President of the Lard Information Council, says the new study is not bulletproof and he cautioned the public to take the findings with a grain of salt. "We've known for years that drinking excessive amounts of water can cause 'hydro-intoxication', essentially posioning the human body. But is bottled water still available on the grocery store shelf? Of course."

Jameison says the new report tries to frighten the public into buying so-called "healthy foods" such as vegatables, fruits, and whole grained items.

"The health food lobbyists are going to have a hayday with this," says Jameison, "Pretty soon the price of lard will skyrocket, forcing it off the market altogether." Jameison says he worries this trend may boil over into other markets as well.

"What's next? Are they going to make us stop drinking kerosene too?", Jameison said.

Greenspan frightens Fed with puppet show

(Washington D.C.) In a moment of stunned silence, Alan Greenspan, Chairman of the Federal Reserve, used a puppet named "Mr. Checkers" to inform the American people that interest rates were once again on the rise.

Greenspan reported before the Reserve's Board of Governors that worries of inflation and economic slowdown had forced the Fed to bump up key interest rates by one-quarter of a percent. The federal funds rate is now three percent.

"We don't like that at all, do we Mr. Checkers? No we don't!" Greenspan said while rotating a foam puppet side-to-side. He then proceeded to make the puppet bite a table mounted microphone. "Are you hungry Mr. Checkers? Why are you so hungry?", Greenspan asked repeatedly.

The Board of Governors sat motionless for 13 minutes, until Mr. Greenspan finished his presentation. At which time the Chairman threw the puppet into the air and remarked, "I'm just messing with you guys. Yeah, the interest rate will be going up again."

Supreme court justice admits to steroid abuse

(Washington D.C.) Several weeks after super slugger Barry Bonds was ridiculed in the press for an aledged use of performance enhancing steroids, Chief Justice William Rehnquist admitted Monday to using bovine hermone steroid on an occasional basis since 1996.

In an interview with E! Hollywood Exclusive, Rehnquist stated the usage has, in the past, resembled that of a full-blown addiction. "I started using bovine steroid as a way to catch the eye of some of my fellow justices. It was a very tumultuous time. (Justice Antonin) Scalia, was on the Atkins diet, which had just come out, and I felt pressure from my peers, not to mention certain teen magazines, to improve my image."

"I had absolutely no idea this was going on...it's inconceivable," said Sen. John Kerry Tuesday morning. "You just would have never expected it from a guy like Bill."

The announcement didn't suprise several of Rehnquist's colleagues who finally found justification for the 1999 incident in which the Chief Justice reportedly threw his fist through a wooden cloak room door panel.

"That was thick oak. I was shocked that he didn't break his hand," recalled Justice John Paul Stevens, "He just laughed and then threatened to punch me if I told anyone about it."

Justice David Hackett Souter felt the Chief Justice owed the entire Supreme Court an apology. "I'm completely aghast by this amazing revelation. The Chief Justice used tell me he had put some lead weights in his gavel and was trying to 'tone up' for what he called, 'some hotties'. What complete farcal grandstanding! I realize now there was no lead weight, and there certainly were no 'hotties'."

This sums up a tramatic week for the Court, which was earlier stunned by the news of Ruth Bader Ginsberg's faked abduction. Ginsberg later confessed she had escaped to New Mexico on her own accord.

"She had had it up to here with the court and all the drama," said Court Clerk Florence Hogaboam, pointing to her neck, "She said she had no where to turn. She had to run away."

Childhood icon intentionally recycled

(New York, NY) Friends and fans of television star 'Teeny Little Super Guy', a.k.a Tony "Tough Man" Baker, where stunned today with news that the childhood hero had been found crushed outside his Manhattan apartment building, the victim of 'random recycling'.

Although family members were mum on the facts surrounding the event, police officials say they have several leads suspects including three men who have close ties to the infamous environmental organization known as "Green Peas".

Sources close to the investigation, say friends noticed Baker "half-full of scotch and mad as heck" about an hour before the incident. Police later found a threat letter in Baker's residence - dated the previous day - rebuking the child star for "encouraging underage littering" and "fostering the abuse of plastic materials." The letter was signed "G.P. Crusaders."

Two hours later, Baker's plastic body was discovered crushed under a cinder block.

Though commonly confused with "Green Peace", the organization has splinter cells throughout the Western Hemisphere and was recently blamed for the non-fatal mugging of another Sesame Street Oscar "the Grouch" Oswald, 57.

Nerdy college student publishes blog, shares with friends

(Davenbrook, Wisconsin) After a number of failed attempts to have his opinion letter published in a local newspaper, 34-year-old David Burns has opted to express his views through more modern means. Using the magic of modern technology, Burns uses an internet "Web Log" or "Blog", to share his views on life and politics to an opinion-craved world.

"At first, I didn't think anyone would read it," confesses the University of Wisconsin graduate student, "I just thought it would be a cheap way to pass the time."

But after Burns received an email from former undergraduate roommate Bill Sessions concerning "the war in Iraq", Burns immediately took the opportunity to send Sessions a hyperlink containing the web address to his "opinion blog".

"It just so happened that I had posted my own article about the war just a few hours earlier, and I thought Bill should read it, since it contained some views that were contrary to his," says Burns.

Soon, the two rivals both had their own weblog, which they used on a daily basis to elaborate their views on several topics including social security and contraceptive drugs.

"You wouldn't believe some of the arguments we've had," Burns says while feverishly typing out his next big editorial bombshell, "Bill's blog is more about rhetoric and what all the media outlets have to say, I'd like to think I'm the independent one. I'm saying what the rest of America would say if only they could read his stupid remarks."

When asked whether he felt he had spent his time wisely in constructing his blog, which now has a steady readership of six subscribers, Burns couldn't have been more enthusiastic.

"You've just seen the beginning," says the single Davenport native, "I think I'll make a second blog and pretend to be somebody else, then I'll use my first blog to counter my own arguments! That ought to freak out Bill! He'll never suspect it."

Area 'X-Boxer' issues warning to would-be rivals

(Des Moines, Iowa) Area X-Boxer Jaime Knowles, sent a clear message to would-be competitors Thursday evening when he announced that he could "whip anybody" who attempted to challenge him in a contest of "ESPN NFL PrimeTime 2002", a video game originally released for Microsoft's X-Box in 2001.

The nineteen-year-old Des Moines native makes no bones about his abilities.

"I'm pretty much the best player I know of," said Knowes from living floor of his grandmother's house.

"One of my cousins is like the best player at his school and I beat him everyday. And also my friend {6-year-old neighbor Zack Baker}, says I'm probably among the top 5%-6% in the world, but he takes Riddlin though."

Knowles admitted that he hasn't always been this good, but when a friend of his offered to give him an XBox in exchange for some inside information regarding the dating status of Knowle's ex-girlfriend, Knowles took him up on the offer.

Since then, his playing abilities have improved expodentially.

Knowles is so good, in fact, he has beaten "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets" a total of 12 times on "Wizard Mode". Leaving many to wonder whether a worthy challenger will ever come his way.

"I seriously doubt it," Knowles says with a smirk "I'll probably grow up to make my own games. I've drawn a few pictures of some cool characters for an action game I plan to make someday."

The future indeed seems bright for this unstoppable young man. "Maybe when I finish high school I can get to work on some of those ideas."