The Daily Debacle

Texas longhorn elected town mayor

2005-05-06T19:47:00.000-07:00

(Callus, Texas) After months of unrest and scandal, the city of Callus, Texas has sworn in a new mayor and with him comes renewed hopes for stability and cooperation.

On Tuesday, Clint Jacobs , a longhorn steer, was elected mayor and unoffically christened the town's "hero". The occasion marked a uplifting conclusion to a nearly-three month long saga for the tiny town of 500 citizens.

The town's troubles began in February when former mayor John Studard was cited by authorities on several counts of animal cruelty. Subsequent police reports showed Studard had been housing up to 100 head of cattle in his backyard, in an area not much larger than a dual car garage. The Callus City Council, bowing to pressure from the citizen watchdog "CowPeople", immediately called for Studard's resignation.

"John was running a cow mill," says Sheriff's Deputy Trace Harvey, "He was using milk for black market profits and earned about $10,000 a month from milk sales alone."

While running his bogus business, Studard kept the cows in terrible condition, often neglecting to feed them for weeks at a time.

On February 26, city firefighters were called to a house fire on Orchard Street. It was John Studard's house. Little did anyone know that Clint Jacobs, the town's next mayor, was among the 100 bovines imprisioned in Studard's backyard, trying to escape the fire.

"We were losing about 10 cows a minute to the heat and smoke," Jacobs said Wednesday from his new office on Main Street. "I remember thinking 'we may never make it out of this mess'."

The fire was so severe, it jumped over to Jack Simpson's house next door and trapped his family inside.

"We were screaming and pretty much convinced that we were done for," Simpson said, "But that's when Clint {Jacobs} came trotting through our back door."

Jacobs, who had lead the surviving members from the herd to safety through a hole in Studard's backyard fence, raced over to Simpson's house as soon as he spotted the danger.

"We just jumped on his back and {Jacobs} took us outside where the fire fighters were waiting," Simpson said, "They were so amazed. They thought Clint was just another stupid cow."

But Jacobs quickly proved he was not just another "stupid cow". He was a cow with a mission.

Soon after the fire, Jacobs testified in Studard's trial, which resulted in Studard's March 2nd sentance of six-months in the county jail, two-years probation, and a $5,000 fine.

"I felt bad for John and his family. His kids thought their dad was a regular milkman-mayor, who was on the up and up," said Jacobs Wendesday, "But sadly, that wasn't the case."

With the old mayor gone, the town looked for a new executive. Jacob's name was the first and only nomination placed on the ballot for the special election held on Tuesday.

Jacob's was elected mayor with a record 89% percent of the vote.

"Clint's just a real class-act," said Nancy Baker, who owns the only thrift store in town, "A lot of people would have given up, but he persevered."

She's not the only one who's impressed with the new mayor.

"Mayor Jacobs may be a cow, but so far he's an outstanding mayor," said City Clerk Yvonne Marshall, "He's terrible at parlimentary procedure, but he understands city code as well as anyone."

She said that in time, she expects the new mayor to fully hit his stride. "No pun intended with the whole running cow analogy," added Marshall.

Jacobs on Wednesday seemed reflective and ready to tackle the challenges his new position will bring.

"I'm just lucky to be here. I'm ready to work for the people of Callus," said Jacobs.

Study finds link between obesity and lard consumption

2005-05-05T18:18:00.000-07:00

(Los Angeles, CA) Researchers announced today there is a positive correllation between the amount of lard a person comsumes per day and the amount of body fat a person will aquire by age 50.

"For years, people have known such foods as cake, ice cream and hamburgers were likely to make you fat over time," said Stan Bunning, the project's head researcher, "Now you can add lard to that list."

The study observed two test groups for 12 months: one which ate 18 ounces of lard per day, and one that did not. The results showed an average weight gain of 36.4 pounds per month in the lard-eating group, compared to 0.5 pounds in the non-group.

"Clearly this is a significant finding," Bunning noted in an afternoon press conference, "It now gives us the basis to make stronger recommendations concerning proper lard consumption."

Among new recommendations slated to be released by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) next week, is the notion of not eating lard after 9.p.m. "It's still alright to eat or drink lard during a rigorous workout, but eating it in front of the television after nine o'clock poses a significant health risk," the FDA said on its website. "Furthermore, mixing infant formula with lard may cause negative health effects in children, such as obesity, much earlier in life than might otherwise occur."

Not everyone is convinced.

Dan Jameison, President of the Lard Information Council, says the new study is not bulletproof and he cautioned the public to take the findings with a grain of salt. "We've known for years that drinking excessive amounts of water can cause 'hydro-intoxication', essentially posioning the human body. But is bottled water still available on the grocery store shelf? Of course."

Jameison says the new report tries to frighten the public into buying so-called "healthy foods" such as vegatables, fruits, and whole grained items.

"The health food lobbyists are going to have a hayday with this," says Jameison, "Pretty soon the price of lard will skyrocket, forcing it off the market altogether." Jameison says he worries this trend may boil over into other markets as well.

"What's next? Are they going to make us stop drinking kerosene too?", Jameison said.

Greenspan frightens Fed with puppet show

2005-05-04T13:51:00.000-07:00

(Washington D.C.) In a moment of stunned silence, Alan Greenspan, Chairman of the Federal Reserve, used a puppet named "Mr. Checkers" to inform the American people that interest rates were once again on the rise.

Greenspan reported before the Reserve's Board of Governors that worries of inflation and economic slowdown had forced the Fed to bump up key interest rates by one-quarter of a percent. The federal funds rate is now three percent.

"We don't like that at all, do we Mr. Checkers? No we don't!" Greenspan said while rotating a foam puppet side-to-side. He then proceeded to make the puppet bite a table mounted microphone. "Are you hungry Mr. Checkers? Why are you so hungry?", Greenspan asked repeatedly.

The Board of Governors sat motionless for 13 minutes, until Mr. Greenspan finished his presentation. At which time the Chairman threw the puppet into the air and remarked, "I'm just messing with you guys. Yeah, the interest rate will be going up again."

Supreme court justice admits to steroid abuse

2005-05-03T08:55:00.000-07:00

(Washington D.C.) Several weeks after super slugger Barry Bonds was ridiculed in the press for an aledged use of performance enhancing steroids, Chief Justice William Rehnquist admitted Monday to using bovine hermone steroid on an occasional basis since 1996.

In an interview with E! Hollywood Exclusive, Rehnquist stated the usage has, in the past, resembled that of a full-blown addiction. "I started using bovine steroid as a way to catch the eye of some of my fellow justices. It was a very tumultuous time. (Justice Antonin) Scalia, was on the Atkins diet, which had just come out, and I felt pressure from my peers, not to mention certain teen magazines, to improve my image."

"I had absolutely no idea this was going on...it's inconceivable," said Sen. John Kerry Tuesday morning. "You just would have never expected it from a guy like Bill."

The announcement didn't suprise several of Rehnquist's colleagues who finally found justification for the 1999 incident in which the Chief Justice reportedly threw his fist through a wooden cloak room door panel.

"That was thick oak. I was shocked that he didn't break his hand," recalled Justice John Paul Stevens, "He just laughed and then threatened to punch me if I told anyone about it."

Justice David Hackett Souter felt the Chief Justice owed the entire Supreme Court an apology. "I'm completely aghast by this amazing revelation. The Chief Justice used tell me he had put some lead weights in his gavel and was trying to 'tone up' for what he called, 'some hotties'. What complete farcal grandstanding! I realize now there was no lead weight, and there certainly were no 'hotties'."

This sums up a tramatic week for the Court, which was earlier stunned by the news of Ruth Bader Ginsberg's faked abduction. Ginsberg later confessed she had escaped to New Mexico on her own accord.

"She had had it up to here with the court and all the drama," said Court Clerk Florence Hogaboam, pointing to her neck, "She said she had no where to turn. She had to run away."

Childhood icon intentionally recycled

2005-02-21T16:24:00.000-08:00

(New York, NY) Friends and fans of television star 'Teeny Little Super Guy', a.k.a Tony "Tough Man" Baker, where stunned today with news that the childhood hero had been found crushed outside his Manhattan apartment building, the victim of 'random recycling'.

Although family members were mum on the facts surrounding the event, police officials say they have several leads suspects including three men who have close ties to the infamous environmental organization known as "Green Peas".

Sources close to the investigation, say friends noticed Baker "half-full of scotch and mad as heck" about an hour before the incident. Police later found a threat letter in Baker's residence - dated the previous day - rebuking the child star for "encouraging underage littering" and "fostering the abuse of plastic materials." The letter was signed "G.P. Crusaders."

Two hours later, Baker's plastic body was discovered crushed under a cinder block.

Though commonly confused with "Green Peace", the organization has splinter cells throughout the Western Hemisphere and was recently blamed for the non-fatal mugging of another Sesame Street Oscar "the Grouch" Oswald, 57.

Nerdy college student publishes blog, shares with friends

2004-08-23T09:21:00.000-07:00

(Davenbrook, Wisconsin) After a number of failed attempts to have his opinion letter published in a local newspaper, 34-year-old David Burns has opted to express his views through more modern means. Using the magic of modern technology, Burns uses an internet "Web Log" or "Blog", to share his views on life and politics to an opinion-craved world.

"At first, I didn't think anyone would read it," confesses the University of Wisconsin graduate student, "I just thought it would be a cheap way to pass the time."

But after Burns received an email from former undergraduate roommate Bill Sessions concerning "the war in Iraq", Burns immediately took the opportunity to send Sessions a hyperlink containing the web address to his "opinion blog".

"It just so happened that I had posted my own article about the war just a few hours earlier, and I thought Bill should read it, since it contained some views that were contrary to his," says Burns.

Soon, the two rivals both had their own weblog, which they used on a daily basis to elaborate their views on several topics including social security and contraceptive drugs.

"You wouldn't believe some of the arguments we've had," Burns says while feverishly typing out his next big editorial bombshell, "Bill's blog is more about rhetoric and what all the media outlets have to say, I'd like to think I'm the independent one. I'm saying what the rest of America would say if only they could read his stupid remarks."

When asked whether he felt he had spent his time wisely in constructing his blog, which now has a steady readership of six subscribers, Burns couldn't have been more enthusiastic.

"You've just seen the beginning," says the single Davenport native, "I think I'll make a second blog and pretend to be somebody else, then I'll use my first blog to counter my own arguments! That ought to freak out Bill! He'll never suspect it."

Area 'X-Boxer' issues warning to would-be rivals

2004-08-20T12:41:00.000-07:00

(Des Moines, Iowa) Area X-Boxer Jaime Knowles, sent a clear message to would-be competitors Thursday evening when he announced that he could "whip anybody" who attempted to challenge him in a contest of "ESPN NFL PrimeTime 2002", a video game originally released for Microsoft's X-Box in 2001.

The nineteen-year-old Des Moines native makes no bones about his abilities.

"I'm pretty much the best player I know of," said Knowes from living floor of his grandmother's house.

"One of my cousins is like the best player at his school and I beat him everyday. And also my friend {6-year-old neighbor Zack Baker}, says I'm probably among the top 5%-6% in the world, but he takes Riddlin though."

Knowles admitted that he hasn't always been this good, but when a friend of his offered to give him an XBox in exchange for some inside information regarding the dating status of Knowle's ex-girlfriend, Knowles took him up on the offer.

Since then, his playing abilities have improved expodentially.

Knowles is so good, in fact, he has beaten "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets" a total of 12 times on "Wizard Mode". Leaving many to wonder whether a worthy challenger will ever come his way.

"I seriously doubt it," Knowles says with a smirk "I'll probably grow up to make my own games. I've drawn a few pictures of some cool characters for an action game I plan to make someday."

The future indeed seems bright for this unstoppable young man. "Maybe when I finish high school I can get to work on some of those ideas."

Bush to Djibouti: Make name easier to pronounce

2004-08-18T08:24:00.000-07:00

President contends 'easier phonics promote freedom and stability'

(Washington, D.C.) In a brief Rose Garden speech Monday morning, President Bush called upon the nation of Djibouti to improve the spelling and pronounciation of its name in order to 'secure liberty' throughout Eastern Africa.

"Good versus evil rides in the balance. When a sector of people have trouble spelling and saying the name of a sovereign nation, it creates a culture of fear and seclusion," said the President, referring to Djibouti's ridgid class system.

In his speech, the President suggested two alternate spellings for the small African country incuding 'Jabootee' and 'East Africa', both of which, the President suggests "have not been used yet" by other countries.

The speech came on the heels of a recent congressional report concerning the nation of Azerbaijan and its inherently 'sloppy phonetical construction'. The Justice department has said it would be willing to send a delegation of linguists and scholars to help correct the problem, should the country request it.

There is no word yet whether either country will comply, but the President said Monday he remains steadfast in his efforts to rid the world of "poor spelling which leads to terror and confusion".

He also expressed his disappointment in congress's failure to ratify a new constitutional amendment which would rename Hawaii and transform Oklahoma into "Northern Texas".

Jack in the Box sponsors commercial-free 'Friends' marathon

2004-08-16T10:29:00.000-07:00

(Hollywood, California) In an effort to boost ratings before the onslaught of new televisions shows hit the airwaves this fall, NBC, and burger giant Jack in the Box, have partnered together to provide a 172 hour, 10-season, 'Friends' series marathon. All without a single commericial.

How will they do it? "Simple," Don Viberman director of NBC Promotions says, "we plan on using fairly subtle 'Jack in the Box' logo placement throughout each of the episodes."

Just how subtle is still up for debate. "We plan on having a few shows where the entire cast has a 'Jack in the Box' logo airbrushed onto their t-shirt, or paste the famous Jack in the Box head over lesser-loved cast members like Phoebe."

However they decide to do it, the marathon will mark an important stepping stone in television advertisement.

"I think people who love 'Friends' will come to love 'Jack in the Box' as well." says Jack Horner, Jack in the Box CEO, "They'll be able to relive all of their favorite 'Friends' moments, while also associating them with our outstanding bugers. Its a match made in heaven."

News of the event has already boosted sales for both companies, and has fueled rumors that NBC will attempt a similar marketing sceme with 'The Hair Club for Men' during this season's 'Apprentice'.

So far, NBC, Hair Club and Donald Trump deny the claims.

'Iranian Chris Farley' makes film debut

2004-08-12T16:40:00.000-07:00

(Hollywood, CA) Last summer, Akbar Siamak wasn't sure where his next meal was coming from. He had grown up poor and misplaced on the hard streets of Tehran, Iran and few people thought he would ever be able to make ends meet, let alone become a talented performer. But on both accounts he has proven even his most ardent critics wrong.

In a drafty apartment, somewhere in Hollywood, Siamak is found sitting on his linoleum floor rehearsing lines for what will be his first big role in a Hollywood film. He is playing the role of Taxi Cab Driver Number 3, in the upcoming movie "Collateral Damage II: Lost in New York", a sci-fi thriller with a romantic edge. His part is a simple one: screaming. But as Siamak knows all too well, there are no small parts, but there are big actors and Siamak is one of them.

Discovered drunk and spouting out random movie quotes three months ago outside of a Hollywood night club, Siamak may well be what insiders call "the next Chris Farley". His large physical presence and comedic gestures resemble those of the late actor, who starred on television's 'Saturday Night Live' and appeared in such movies as 'Tommy Boy', 'Black Sheep', and 'Almost Heroes'.

No stranger to the classical works of Farley, Siamak has been known to recite famous passages from Farley's works.

"مرد چاق در كت ناچيزى, مرد در كت ناچيزى چاق!" sings Siamak outside of his apartment window, garnering laughs from a hotdog vendor four-floors below. To the Persian-trained ear it means "Fat guy in a little coat, fat guy in a little coat!"

"I've always loved American comedy," says the up and coming Iranian star, "It's all about gags and slap-stick, which is right up my alley."

Although Siamak has not received any formal training in theatre or drama, he believes his gritty, down-to-earth performances will strike a chord with audiences.

"I don't know, I guess you could say I'm at least one in a hundred," says Siamak, "If I keep this up there's a chance I could get a job working for some network like PAX, Warner Brothers or QVC."

Yellow snowcone sales experience record lows

2004-08-11T08:24:00.000-07:00

(Plaines, Georgia) With summer heat raging throughout much of the Southern U.S., sales of cold beverages and temperature reducing food items are on the seasonal upswing. But despite higher demand for these products, sales for yellow snowcones are at an all-time low.

"Some people have a psychological problem with eating yellow snow," says Lance Graham, Georgia Chief Commissioner of Health and Safety. "They have memories of their mother yelling at them about not eating it, but they do it anyway, and then they see a dog or something create a new batch of 'sunny delight' and they suddenly realize the folly of their ways. That sort of emotional trauma stays with a person far longer than most people realize."

According to Commissioner Graham, Georgia hasn't seen a severe snow storm in decades, making the hypothetical situation mentioned above next to impossible in most Southern states. However, studies indicate that decedents of Northern way-faring folk seem to have a genetic taste aversion toward yellow snow, but others insist most native Georgians "can imagine what it would be like".

While public criticism for yellow snow appears to be feverish, it hasn't prevented leaders in the Snow Cone industry from attempting to separate reality from what they see as an unfair interpretation of a longtime product.

"What a lot of people think is gross, 'yellow' snow, is actually an amalgamation of flavors ranging from citrus based compounds to the very trendy and hip banana varieties," says Don Vigil of the Snow Cone institute in Flint, Michigan, "We're trying to get the word out about these flavors. This isn't your father's or grandfather's yellow snow!"

So far, the American public isn't buying it. Child vendors everywhere have pulled the colors from their snowcone stands saying the stigma is bad for business.

"People just don't like yellow snow," says Johnny Grath, age 8, "It's gross."

Ali rocked in comeback bout

2004-08-08T17:47:00.000-07:00

(Berkeley, California) A small cluster of dedicated fans stood outside the Berkeley Convention Center Sunday, hoping to catch a glimpse of the man known simply as "The Greatest". But instead of making a grand appearance before his adoring fans, Muhammed Ali greeted well-wishers with groans and gaping head wounds while sprawled out upon a stretcher.

The event marked the end of a very dissappointing day for the former champ and the end of a 6-month journey back into the professional boxing ring.

In February, Ali hinted at the possibility of a comeback fight with fellow former heavyweight champion George Foreman. For weeks, the notion was nothing more than a tabloid rumor but was given added weight by reported sightings of the "Great One" working areobically outside his Michigan estate.

In the same month, Foreman reportedly ate an increased number of meals prepared by his personal assistant using the commerical food grill which bears his name. Foreman claimed he was simply trying to "cut out the fat", but boxing fans alluded that he was preparing for a possible bout with Ali.

In May, executives at the Fox Sports Network worked to solidify a fight between the two champs, but Foreman promptly withdrew.

Enter William Hung, international super-star and pop icon, whose pathetic showing on Fox's 'American Idol' landed him a lucrative and controversial record deal.

The deal was salvaged when Hung's booking agent secretly entered into negotiations with Fox, scheduling a special "celebrity cage match" between the two unlikely opponants.

Ali's agent, assuming the bout would be against Foreman, signed off on the event. Ali only became aware Saturday night that he was fighting Hung the next day. According to his handlers, "he was furious".

Ali entered the fight as the strong favorite against the pint-sized 'idol', but was quickly pummelled by a few repetitive jabs by Hung, eirily similar to the flailing arm torrents seen in his music video remake of Ricky Martin's smash hit "She Bangs".

"Obviously, Muhammed Ali is very upset with his performance," said Kylee Flak, Ali's scheduling assistant, "He sincerely believed he was good for one more fight. Unfortunately he underestimated his opponant."

Despite his loss, Flak says Ali harbors no ill will towards Hung. "Muhammed Ali recognizes and respects talent when he sees it... He repsects William as a person and as an artist."

"Power Couch" offers mobility to millions

2004-08-05T16:37:00.001-07:00

(New York, NY) For decades, millions of Americans who have spent their waking moments on the living room couch have been forced to limit their travels to the path between the television and the refridgerator. But thanks to new developments in mobility technology, the horizons for these individuals may now be limitless.

One new product set to hit shelves and factory showrooms this fall is the "Power Couch", a new product from SkooterShack. Powered by a V-4, dual cam shaft, turbo-bio-diesel power cell that offers 250 horsepower and 27 miles to the gallon, the Power Couch is expected to fast become one of the toughest and best equipped mobility units on the market.

SkooterShack President Wes Gravehill has been pleased with the early test results of his new product as well as recent developments in the science of moving large people. "I'm a big man myself and I always hated using those pitiful little skooters at the supermarket. I decided it was time to make a product that would be easy to use and operate, as well as economical."

Nancy Sporksberg, a single, 34-year-old, from Kentucky recently made local healines by traveling on a prototype Powercouch from her hometown in Paduca, Kentucky to Rockafeller Plaza in New York City. The trip took only two days and Sporksberg claims the Power Counch has given her a new found lease on life. "Before, life was dull and uninteresting. I was actually quite embarrassed about the lifestyle I had adopted. I would sit and watch TV on the couch and would get up only to rummage through the fridge or feed my goldfish. But with the Power Couch I can travel anywhere in the continental United States, without having to leave my comfy sofa."

While most states allow for electric powerchairs and skooters to operate on the nation's roadways, some state legislatures are hesitant to expand such prividges to vehicles like the Power Couch.

"The Powercouch has been known to be a real hazard on the freeway," says New York Travel Commisioner Rich Franangello. "Most couches are extremely wide, even wider than a typical lane of traffic, making them dangerous to other motorists. Some studies have also shown that Power Couch is vulnerable when making tight manuevers and it also seems to be unable to protect passengers involved in head-on collisions." Franangello says most accidents on the Power Couch are difficult to avoid since drivers can easily succumb to sleep while behind the controls.

Despite such criticisms, Wes Gravehill says SkooterShack will move forward with production of the Power Couch and is excited about the possibilities this product brings to millions of immobile Americans. "We are constantly looking for ways to improve the system," says Gravehill. "Future designs call for built-in mocha machines and metalic pinchers to keep people awake at the wheel. We're also looking into the possibility of implementing seatbelts on all of our Power Couch models."

The SkooterShack corporation first reached the national spotlight in 1987 when it released its now infamous Power Privy, a fiberglass "out-house" on wheels. The company marketed its mobile restroom as ideal for "People on the Go: Literally and literally!!!" The company's stock crashed soon thereafter.

Bush adopts Department of Neverland Security

2004-08-03T13:50:00.000-07:00

(Washington, D.C.) At a press conference this morning in the East Room of the White House, President Bush signed a bill creating a new cabinet-level department focused on fighting terror beyond the United States. The Department of Neverland Security, as H.R. 20045 officially names the new agency, will be charged with uniting intelligence sources throughout the isle of Neverland.

"Today we renew our effort to keep an important homeland secure," said President George W. Bush at the event "In recent months, Neverland has become a target for Al-Queda. From Captain Hook's harbor, to the old hollowed out tree of the 'lost boys', this eternal bastion for peace and freedom is under a serious threat."

Peter 'Bucky' Pan-Humphrey, known to millions of earth children and Neverland natives as 'Peter Pan', was on hand to witness the signing of the bill, which he says will go far in protecting his home island. "I am greatful for President Bush's dedication to fighting terrorism in all corners of the universe, even in Neverland. Tinkerbell is going to flip-out when she hears about this!"

Suzanne 'Tinkerbell' Flanders, a 6-inch pixie who has been mute since her formation in a cabbage patch 56 years ago, was unable to attend the bill signing. Her spokespixieman's website reported earlier in the day that she had been having some complications with her dust glands and was awaiting surgery.

The announcement of the department has come as welcome news for many frequenters of Neverland, who have been hit hard with the news that Captain Hook has alledged ties to Al-Queda. Although Hook denies the claims, sources close to the CIA have revealed possible conntections to Hook and the funneling of peppermint candies and monopoly money to terrorist cells throughout the region.

In other news, pop superstar Michael Jackson released an initial statemen offering his support for the creation of the new department, under the assumption that the department was intended to protect his now infamous 'Neverland Ranch'. Later in the day, Jackson's publicist released a statement recending the earlier press release.

Mars rover resigns from NASA

2004-07-21T10:11:00.000-07:00

(Mars) After months of sustained silence, NASA's Opportunity Mars Rover spoke out publicly against its creators in a hard-hitting interview slated to appear in next month's Space Nut Magazine. The interview sums up weeks of rumors about NASA's allegedly poor treatment of the rover since its mission began late last year.

On Wednesday, Opportunity sent a hand-written letter to officials at Kennedy Space Center, signaling that it intended to resign.

According to sources who have read the letter, the rover has "had it up to here" with the "professionalism" NASA's mission control has shown over the course of its journey, leaving the rover convinced that "it's best that I quit my job now."

According to Opportunity, the problems began in January just days before its scheduled landing on Mars. "We were about to start sharing some key information on possible landing sites, when my instructors thought it might be fun to send some 'blonde jokes' in binary code through my circuits to make sure all systems were functioning."

Binary code, used exclusively by computers, is a method of transferring information through a series of numeric ones and zeros that represent "on" and "off" commands. While foreign to most humans, binary language has been used for decades by NASA to send information to their space units throughout the solar system.

"Blonde jokes", a comedic phenomena which has its origins as far back as 1994, is a style of story telling in which women with blonde hair are made to look misguided and unintelligent. Officials say such a joke was customary around the mission control elite at the time.

In retrospect, Opportunity saw this as the beginning of the end with its short stint at NASA. "I laughed off these pranks initially, but later on things just got worse".

On one occasion, officials at mission control allegedly used the rover to 'spin cookies' in a large crater. Opportunity said the event lasted nearly an hour. "My operators were trying to see how many consecutive cookies they could spin in a minute. I don't feel this helped in furthering our geologic research."

"Sure, we've had a little fun with Opportunity along the way," said chief Rover Navigation Expert Tim Tuttle, "that's all part of testing the equipment and working out any bugs in the system." When asked whether he thought his actions had helped bring about Opportunity's resignation, he was uncertain. "I think that little bucket of bolts is full of it. Quite frankly, if it feels this way, I think the agency is better off without Opportunity."

President Bush said during a photo opportunity today that news of Opportunity's resignation "deeply disturbed" him and that he would look into the matter.

In other news today, a new poll testing American's knowledge of space objects revealed that 67% of the general public is not aware that there is a "rover" named "Opportunity" or that there is a planet called "Mars".

Martha Stewart receives death penalty

2004-07-16T09:23:00.000-07:00

(New York, NY) In a much anticipated announcement Friday, a federal judge ruled that Martha Stewart, former CEO of Martha Stewart Living Onmimedia Inc., will face the death penalty for allegedly lying to authorities about trading 4,000 shares of stock in a friend's company.

"I am completely satisfied with the decision that has been handed down," said Stewart before a flurry of media reporters waiting outside the federal court. "I feel as if justice has been served."

For the last two years, Stewart has been dogged by the legal issues surrounding her case. In conversations with family and friends Stewart has insisted that her offence was simply "a little white lie".

But under a provision of the Patriot Act, passed by Congress just two years ago, "little white lies" fall under the category of "national security threat" and must be dealt with in the harshest of fashions.

"Just a few years ago, lying to the authorities was no big deal," said U.S. District Judge Miriam Cedarbaum, who presided over Stewart's case. "I can think of numerous occasions in which good friends of mine mislead authorities on a day-to-day basis. It was almost a hobby for them. Unfortunately, due to the war against terrorism, the government must be more serious when dealing with cases such as this."

Upon the announcement of Stewart's sentence, the stock price of her company skyrocketed and officials said sales in kitchen items saw reasonable returns.

In a statement released by Stewart's publicists, it was learned that Stewart has chosen to be put to death via slow roasting, a process which authorities say could take weeks.

"Martha will be dipped in a special meat sauce, rolled into a thick sheet of pasta and baked at 540 degrees until well done. She will be laid to rest upon freshly folded napkins and surrounded by her collection of sterling silverware which she recently purchased at an antique flea market," read the statement. "Martha would have it no other way. She thinks its a good thing."

Mississippi high school offers "Drunk Driving" safety course

2004-07-12T08:56:00.000-07:00

(Jackson Flats, Miss.) One Mississippi high school is taking a unique approach to tackling the issue of underage drunk driving. Rutherford B. Hayes high school in Jackson Flats has announced it will offer a new class this fall entitled "Drunk Driving and You: A look a drinking safely behind the wheel". The class will examine common weaknesses that most drunk youth display while driving, and work to correct these problems through detailed textbook assignments and drunk driving practice with a certified instructor.

"Since 2002, we've seen a large spike in the number of alcohol-related traffic accidents throughout the state." says Mississippi Superintendent of Public Instruction Blake Peterson, "Our research has shown that these kids are terrible drivers, even while sober. Classes like the one being offered at Rutherford B. Hayes, actually help drunk teenagers improve their hand-eye coordination and reaction times while under the influence of alcohol."

The new class has received widespread praise among the state's educators who say such a program has been long overdue. Judy Andrews, mother of two teenage sons agrees. "My only hope is we'll be able to show these kids that its okay to admit that you have a problem. You just have to say to yourself 'I'm just a bad driver. I need help'."

The class will offer students a wide range of driving experiences with various types of alcohol beverages; from soft, fruit-flavored social drinks to harder 'vomit-inducing' liquors. The experience will be reinforced by 3 hours of classroom lecture and textbook study per week, followed by a comprehensive exam.

"If we can help one kid learn the importance of driving drunk responsibly," says Peterson "then the taxpayer money we spent to put this class together will have been well worth it."

Reports of rampant abuse surface on S.S. Enterprise

2004-07-09T09:47:00.000-07:00

(Deep Space) The Intergalactic community was rocked today by new reports of rampant crew abuse aboard the S.S. Enterprise Starship. "The reports we are getting are absolutely stunning. There appears to be a very real presence of both verbal and physical abuse occuring in the far reaches of deep space," a government official told reporters Friday, "We have reason to believe that Captain James T. Kirk is playing a role in these incidents."

While rumors of a friendly leg-kick or fist-punch among crewmates have been circulating for months, the new reports shed light upon an apparent 'culture of fear' that has been looming over the crew for nearly two decades.

"Ever since our reality TV show back in the 1960's was cancelled and the movie offers ended, Capatin Kirk just sort of snapped," said Lt. Cmdr. Montgomery "Scotty" Scott, head manager of the Enterprise's Power and Teleport Subunit. "The last 15 to 20 years have been tough on the crew."

Reports of "crowbar beatings to the shins" and bizarre "hazing rituals" initiated by Kirk, are beginning to paint a picture of a man collegues say is beginning to show signs of unravelling.

One crewmate recalls an instance in which Kirk used a fazer to "burn the arm" of a young cadet. "At first, {Kirk} was using the instrument to diagnose a stress fracture in the young man's arm," said Lt. Cmdr. Spock Vorack, "{but} he kept doing this for the next thirty minutes, until the boy's arm had turned a deep shade of red. It was obvious that he just meant to hurt the kid."

Kirk's spokesman was quick to point out that many of these claims are unsubstantiated and that there have been other crewmembers slapped with abuse allagations in the past. The spokeman was referring to the 1975 Lt. Cmdr. Leonard H. "Bones" McCoy M.D. scandal in which the doctor allegedly allowed a patient choke to death on a tongue depressor. McCoy has long denied the claims, but it marked the first instance in which questions of the cew's character began surfacing.

"I think Captain Kirk has stepped way out of line in terms of how he's treated the crew," said nurse Christine Chapel in a recent email. "I can't even talk to people on the phone right now because the Captain has ordered the phone to be ripped out of the walls! It's pure madness aboard this ship!"

Officials say a complete investigation into Kirk's recent conduct will be completed over the next few weeks. But many are hesitant to speculate into what possible punishments may by handed down, in the event Kirk is found guilty.

An intitial Intergalactic inquiry hearing is scheduled for later this afternoon.

Local man spends weekend in nutshell.

2004-07-08T18:21:00.000-07:00

Tells authorities "Not what it's cracked up to be."

(Clinton, Ark.) One man's experimental weekend in a large walnut helps bring the scientific community one step closer toward understanding what life might be like in a nutshell.

"My girlfriend is always telling people what her life is like 'in a nutshell'," says John Grolier, 32, who spent this last weekend inside of a 53" hollowed-out walnut. "I figured that by living inside of a nut myself, I could help make our relationship even stronger, and allow me to better understand what she was going through."

Grolier says he packed lightly for his endeavor, bringing along a pair of boxers, a toothbrush, as well as a deck of playing cards to help pass the time. "The experience itself was quite serene. I'm actually planning a monthlong stay in November."

In retrospect, Grolier says he would have "gone to the bathroom" before entering the shell. But was able to divert a crisis by using the facilities found within the shell. The prefabricated Duro-Nut, which retails for $195 at Sears, comes with a minature restroom and a solar-heated shower head. "Some of the more expensive models come with a DVD player and flatscreen television," said Grolier "but unfortunately, my rent check was due so I had to settle for the basics."

Jennifer Laney, Grolier's girlfriend of 5 months, told reporters she was extremely impressed with her partner's efforts to better understand what her life is like. "I know he could have spent his money on a nice-dinner or a weekend get-away just for the two of us, but I was very pleased to hear that he had taken the initiative in getting to know my life 'in a nutshell'. I'm very lucky to know him."

Spielberg to direct "Titanic 2: Jack's Revenge"

2004-07-07T08:22:00.000-07:00

(Hollywood, CA) Lights flash on. Cameras zip into focus. Last-minute-makeup artists flutter nervously about. The anticipation is thick enough to taste. Actors take their positions. This is where the magic happens. The director leans forward in his canvas chair, drawing inspiration from those around him. Suddenly, with shoulders tilted back, face pointed at a 45 degree angle toward the ceiling, and a voice like a locomotive, he yells that famous word that makes it all come together: "ACTION!!!"

Steven Spielberg, multi-Oscar winning director and producer, is no stranger to the word "action", nor is he afraid of dabbling in the cinematic magic that has made his name a household synonym for "brilliance". At 58, Spielberg has also never been afraid to blaze new trails with of the movie projects he undertakes. Movies like "E.T.", "Jurassic Park" and "Men in Black" show clearly Spielberg's knack for good storytelling. Even offerings such as "The Plucky Duck Show" (1992) and "Roller Coaster Rabbit" (1990) have a special "Spielberg flare" that few can resist.

But his most recent project, "Titanic 2: Jack's Revenge", has been regarded by some to be his most ambitious endeavour to date. Scheduled to hit mainstream theatres by March 2006, "T2" (as it is being called by those in the know) will likely create a paradigm shift in the public's belief of how the titanic sank and what really happens to dead people when they come back to life.

"Without giving away too much of the plot," said Spielberg while sipping champagne and finishing off a top serloin steak during a recent interview at his luxurious Hollywood residence, "Jack, the kid who starred in the first Titanic movie and died a tragic death a sea, comes back to life in search of Rose, his long lost lover, who is now 112 years old. At first, they hit it off just swimmingly trying to make up for lost time. Rose assumes Jack has come back to restart their relationship where it left off in 1912. What Jack is really there for is to get back at Rose for letting him drown at sea those many years ago. He starts off by doing trivial things, like putting a bucket of water over the doorway of Rose's apartment. All of these encounters end with belly-laughs as Rose foils the would-be pranskter and causes him to fall into his own traps."

According to Spielberg, the plot becomes more serious when Rose realizes that Jack is actually a disgusting sea-creature set on killing her. Thus begins a video montage of wild car chases and sword fights that pit the two lovers against one another in a battle of strength and wit.

"Despite the wild scences early on, the story eventually returns to one of love and partnership." says Spielberg, "It happens when the couple realize that they are still made for each other."

Both characters soon realize that the world will never accept them for who they are as individuals: a 112 year old woman; and a 112 year old man-turned-sea-creature covered in barnacles. So they decide to team up and work toward better undestanding among all sea-creatures and land dwelling mammals.

"Sometimes the love you make is equal to the love you take," Spielberg concludes, "and if you get anything out of this movie, I hope you'll come to recognize this universal truth. If a sea-creature and an elderly woman can learn it, why can't we all?"

Movie-goers nation-wide can expect to see a trailer for the new movie in theatres later this summer.

Legoland dog attack kills 4, maims countless others

2004-07-05T09:43:00.000-07:00

(Legoland) Tuesday morning brought sadness and shock, as local residents reeled from Legoland's second dog attack in as many days. At 6:04 a.m. a large German Shepard beast-dog entered the bedroom and began crushing buildings with its massive paws, while slurping up unsuspecting citizens with its diabolical tongue.

"It was indescribable," said local resident Phillip Sqaurepants who had just finished reassembling his mother-in-law's head and hindparts. "I was out watering my fake plastic plants, with my fake plastic water pitcher, when all of a sudden this huge monstrous beast peeked over the roof tops. I thought for certain I was a gonner."

Although many resident's found safe haven inside of their elaborately constructed plastic brick condominiums, not all Legoland metropolitan locals were quite so lucky.

Linus Yellowface, age 65, had just finished exploring an ancient Incan shrine which was haunted by a "glow-in-the-dark" ghost, when he was suddenly eaten alive by the beast-dog. The rest of the Yellowface family, who had accompanied Linus on his expedition, were immediately rushed to safety by a Star Wars Galactic Cruiser which happened to be fighting Dark Vader on a nearby bookshelf. "I am so grateful for those men on the cruiser," said a distraught Hilary Yellowface "they managed to fend off the beast-dog with their light sabers as we boarded their spacecraft."

Legoland President Marko Fakesmile, called today's and yesterday's attacks a "terrible set of days in our nation's peaceful history." The president vowed to fund the construction a gigantic Pirate Ship that would patrol the carpet just outside the bedroom where the beast-dog has been known to frequent. "We will stop this vicious beast with every weapon in our arsenal. I call upon all Legoans to help fight this threat by gathering their unused blocks and donating it towards the Pirate Ship effort."

President Fakesmile is also said to be in negotiations with Johnny Houston, age 9, who is apparently the sole owner of the beast-dog. The administration is drafting a treaty which would require the bedroom door to be closed from 9am-5pm on weekdays, noon-6pm on weekends, and all-day Sunday.

This, at the very least, officials say, will create a sense of predictability in the beast-dogs visits and may keep it out of the bedroom altogether.

Advisors close to the President say an agreement may likely include opening up trade routes with Jenny Houston, age 6, and her Barbie Doll colony down the hallway.

Supreme court issues new trading cards

2004-07-02T09:58:00.000-07:00

(Washington) In an effort to spit-shine its national image and gain broader acceptance among today's pop-culture youth, the Supreme Court Friday unveiled designs for a set of "Justice Trading Cards" slated to hit department stores later this month.

"For a long time, the Supreme Court has been the red-headed step child of the other three federal branches." said Chief Justice William Rehnquist "We've always been given a seat at the table, but the other kids always pick on us and usually call us names when the teacher isn't looking. But all of that changes with the issuance of these new cards. Today we're finally the cool kids on the block! Finally!!!"

The cards mark the end of a decade long attempt by the Supreme court to polish its image through more conventional means.

"We all remember the short-lived 'Scratch 'n' Sniff Constituition' campaign of 1994." said Washington Journal reporter Wally Blake who has been covering the Supreme Court beat for most of his career. "Everyone thought it was going to succeed, but in retrospect the court was way out of its league. With these new baseball cards, they've really hit a a homerun. My goodness, I think I just made a pun there!"

Not everyone is as excited about the cards as much of the Washington beltway seems to be. Hundreds of protestors and pre-transformation Supreme Court supporters were out in force this morning, some holding up signs saying "What the heck happened to the frail and out of touch Supreme Court I used to know?" and "Why have you gone and changed yourself just to please us?" While most of the protestors were peaceful in their dissent, a few riled citizens had to be restrained by police who were wearing minature pins of the trading cards on their lapels.

According to Beckett Trading Card Magazine, the "William Rehnquist rookie memories" trading card will be among the most valuable cards in the set. Other notables include the Ruth Bader Ginsberg "Most Valuable Justice" card, along with the very rare Antonin Scalia gold foil autographed edition, which actually includes a vacuum-sealed lock of the justice's hair.

Although the cards will not be available at major outlets for a number of weeks, more anxious shoppers will be able to pre-order their own pack over the Supreme Court's website by Monday.

Man dips mexi-fry in catsup, bites, then dips again

2004-07-01T08:06:00.000-07:00

Experts agree man was likely unaware of "no double-dip" rule.

(Madison, Wisc.) - What started off as a regular lunchtime meal for one Wisconsin man, ended in a day full of confusion and finger-pointing for patrons of a local Dick's restaurant. Joseph Collab, 32, was taken into managerial custody after nearby customers accused the Madison native of "double-dipping" his "mexi-fry" into a puddle of catsup caked onto his placemat. Collab initially stated that he was unaware of the social norm of dipping a food object only once into a glob of catsup until the entire product has been consumed.

"Joe and I were sharing that puddle of catsup" said Trixie Hendricks, Collab's fiance of 8 years, "So you can imagine how absolutely appalled I was when I saw him place the mexi-fry in for a second time." Hendricks stated that this would not permanently damage their relationship, but said later to a close friend that she had no idea Collab "was into that."

Restaurant management was hesitant to release details surrounding the event, but one women seated nearby said Collab's action had a negative impact on her 6-year-old-son's behavior. "After he (Collab) double-dipped, my son Charlie tried to pull the same stunt at dinner. I am convinced that his (Charlie's) behavior was directly effected by that evil man's (Collab's) negligence."

An official statement from Collab could not be immediately obtained at press time, but sources close to the family say he is seeking professional help for his behavior. He will likely switch his primary condiment selection to hot mustard since doctor's insist it will keep him from wanting to dip more than once.

Americans eat millions of "mexi-fries" each year, which are minced potato bits baked into small cylinders roughly one inch in length. Despite widespread attempts to limit the activity, 74% of Americans admit to "double-dipping" at least once in the last year, a number the American Mexi-Fry Federation says is well above the world average.

Russians to send first attorney into space

2004-06-30T08:07:00.000-07:00

(Moscow) - In an unprecedented act of national pride, the Russian government announced this morning that it plans to be the first nation on Earth to send an attorney into space. Boris Borkafski, a lifelong Russian and Moscow metropolitan area attorney, was selected for the mission after a lengthy nation-wide "attorney search" by the Russian government.

When prompted, Russian officials were hazy on the details of Borkafski's mission, but anonymous sources inside the Kremlin say that it will likely include a landing on the far side of the moon. Such a mission officials say, will "allow Mother Russia to lead the world in the up-in-coming field of celestial real estate and criminal law."

Hailed as a national hero, most Russians now agree that Mr. Borkafski is the perfect candidate for a trip of this nature. "Boris has been in the spotlight for years," said 67-year old shop keeper Yegor Stalhoff. "All Russians remember how outspoken he was in publically criticizing the government back in the 60's. He was especially scathing when it came to his views on the KGB, even heading up a few lawsuits against some of its former members. I can think of no greater patriot for modern Russia than Boris."

In a phone interview, Borkafski expressed his excitement for his trip to the moon. "I still can't believe I won a random lottery to be my country's next Cosmonaut! They've informed me that the ship will be full of caviar and fine ritz crackers for me to eat! This is one huge honor!" said Borkafski.

Borkafski will be accompanied on his voyage by a chimp named Bonzo, who's job it will be to test the effects of the vacuum of space on living organizisms.

Lift-off for Borkafski's and Bonzo's rocket, a revamped nuclear warhead from the Soviet era, is expected to occur this Friday. The public has been asked not to attend the event.

Michael Jackson Announces bid for Presidency

2004-06-29T17:12:00.000-07:00

(Los Angeles)- In an event full of great pomp and circumstance, Michael Jackson, the proclaimed "King of Pop", announced his intentions to seek the Presidency of the United States.

Speaking to a crowd of roughly 250 friends and supporters at his now infamous Neverland Ranch, Jackson proclaimed that if elected he would seek to "heal the wounds that have divided our nation for so long" and work to bring about "a utopian-like era of goodwill and free love."

Jackson addressed the gathering for roughly 45 minutes, spending much of that time getting a head start on his "soon to come" critics and those who "feel I am not the right person for the job." He acknowledged the media frenzy his recent court appearances have caused internationally, but did not delve into any details surrounding his case.

The event also brought together an eclectic mix of Hollywood notables, such as Leonardo DeCaprio and Pauly Shore who seemed at least slightly amused at the notion of a Jackson Administration. "I think Michael Jackson has a lot of qualities that appeal to many Americans" said former Californian gubernatorial candidate Gary Coleman, "He has a very nice and recognizable face. He is an extremely talented musician and thus, is a very effective communicator. These qualities are essential in becoming a good head of state." Rock group U2's Bono agreed, "Out of any person alive today, Michael Jackson represents the American spirit, even if its the kind of spirit that truly creeps people out every once and awhile."

News of Jackson's candidacy shot like a telegraph across the nation's fruited plains and even worked its way into a cabinet meeting held by President Bush later that morning. "Mike Jackson - or Mikey as I like to call him - has taken a bold move. This election is about tough issues and those of us in the political beltway would be wise not to misunderestimate him." Bush also appeared to be impressed by Jackson's political platform. "He's actually got a great economic stimulus package" said Bush, referring to Jackson's proposal to redistribute his platinum records throughout parts of Iraq and Afghanistan in hopes of jump-starting the American economy. "He does however want to use Monopoly money to pay down the national debt, but that's something I'm willing to look past for the time being."

In a well-choreographed appearance this morning by likely Democratic nominee John Kerry, the Massachusettes senator said a Kerry/Jackson presidential ticket was a very real possibility, should Jackson be willing to give up his bid for President.

Jackson's publicist immediately issued a press release refusing Kerry's offer. "We appreciate Senator Kerry's offer, but we're running an actual grown-up campaign over here. He can go back to playing Boys State and we'll be on our merry way."